-Imaginary conversation with people that will 99% never happen. Ever. And it's always future conversations, and what I would say. Rarely is it something like an acceptance speech. Usually it's a fight or disagreement. I always win and have some amazing one-liners. Is it weird to high five yourself? Once in a while it's a positive interaction. Some people give compliments like "Wow, you are such an amazing and confident presenter!", whereas I'm more likely to say, "If you were a tree, man you'd be a good tree" or some weird shit like that. I'm awkward, what can I say?
-Working through scenarios that will 99% never happen. If I were instantly transported to an alley in the middle of a blizzard, with only this shower stall and the things inside it, how long would I survive? What would I do if I saw a Unicorn? What if I got out of the shower and blow-dried my hair? (Hahaha yeah that's not going to happen).
-Wait, did I hear something? Was that the baby? Is he up already? Or was that one of the dogs? Is it a burglar? It's probably a burglar. Crap. Well, I guess I'm going to have to squeeze shampoo in their face. Oh wait, it's just the TV...again. Probably shouldn't have left it on the Law & Order: SVU marathon.
-No really, did I just hear something? NO SERIOUSLY WHAT WAS THAT NOISE? Why does it sound like there's a tiny horse on the roof? Is that a pigeon? Stupid pigeons GET OFF MY ROOF.
-How long have I been in here? Usually I have a rough idea of what time it is regardless of what I'm doing. I think the shower might have some sort of force field around it that prevents me from having any clue how long I've actually been in the shower. It could be 10 minutes it could be 45. Hope you weren't planning on having any hot water...
-I wish I could sit down. This one probably isn't weird, I just wish I had a bench or something in there so I could sit down once in a while. I'm lazy I guess.
-Did I already use shampoo? Sometimes I forget, so I do it again. I'm starting to think that there really is some force field or vortex happening in there that makes my brain just not work right. And by the way I'm pretty sure that the whole "Lather. Rinse. Repeat." business is total crap so you'll go through shampoo twice as fast and have to buy more because you still have half a bottle of conditioner left.
-Imagining what it would be like to be on vacation right now. Usually it's somewhere warm and tropical and awesome. There's a beach and a masseuse and really delicious food, but I imagine that I'm in the shower on vacation. Why I would be spending my time in the shower thinking about all the awesome things I have around me on vacation instead of doing those things is beyond me. I told you my brain did weird stuff.
-A lengthy To-Do List. It usually has anywhere from 5 to a million things on it. Things I should do immediately, things I need to do sometime soon, stuff I should take care of this weekend, stuff I should do this summer (because that's when teachers do Responsible Adult Things), etc. And you know what, that damn force field lowers it's thick shield just as I open the shower door and magically that list is gone. Down the shower drain with a hairball and extra shampoo. It's like the first glimpse of the bathroom counter pulls me back to reality and I go on about my usual business.
-I'm hungry. And then I think about all of the delicious food I wish I were eating right at that moment in time. Somehow magically nothing gets soggy even though I'm thinking about eating food in the shower, so maybe it isn't a force field vortex so much as a Magical Shield of Magicness. Yaaasssss...
Like I said, these things don't usually pop into my head during the course of a normal day. Usually just when I'm in the shower. But at least I am showering, does that count?
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