Things I Don't Like About Spring

Well, if you know me at all, you know that I hate winter. And if you know me, but you didn't know that, then you actually don't know me and we either need to spend more time together or stop all together. I'll let you decide. So I hate winter, but at least with winter you know it's going to be super crappy all the time. Spring on the other hand is literally the bastard child of winter and summer. Spring has all the worst parts of both seasons, and some added bonuses that just suck the fun out of the whole season. So without further ado, here is my list of things that I don't like about spring:

-Short shorts with super pale legs - We get it, it's kind of warm out. You still have a winter tan. What made you think this was a good idea? Wear those in private until you stop glowing in the dark. Also, you are wearing them with Uggs. Clearly you're still cold. Put on pants. Enough said.

-Unusually warm days - This is one of the most jackass things that happens during spring. It's such a tease. It's like one day it's cold, and then cool, and then suddenly you're in your car driving home from work with your heater on for three months and you start to sweat. You check carefully to see if you accidentally left your window down a little bit again and it's melting snow on your brow, but it's not! It's sweat! You're actually warm, warmer than warm. Uncomfortably warm. Probably because you also have a scarf and winter coat on.

-Workout guilt - Caused by the unusually warm days. It reminds me that summer is coming soon and there is no way I'm going to fit into that bikini that Target put out in January. Which reminds me, who tries on a bikini in January? Do you know what I've been eating for the past two months? Just consider the holidays that have occurred in the past two months, that should at least give you a hint at what sorts of awfulness I've been consuming. Like sugar cookies for breakfast. Or sugar cookie dough for pre-breakfast. Bad news all over. No one wants to try on a bikini in January. No one.

-Having to shave my legs (more often) - Also because of unusually warm days. This means purchasing a razor that I don't hate or find the one that has been hibernating behind some body wash for a while and actually trying. Trying is so over-rated in the spring.

-Blizzards - This is something spring gets from it's jerk parent winter. They usually happen within a few days of an unusually warm day, and blizzards totally screw up everything. I'm not just talking driving, or taking the dogs out or looking outside, but other things. Like, by now I've probably decided to shave my legs...and then suddenly out of no where there's an asshole blizzard and I'm back to dressing like a homeless Eskimo. Shaved them for nothing. Awesome.

-Birds - aka: The 4 F-ing AM Bird Chorus. See the Owlyote post for more info on how shitty birds can be.

-Daylight Savings Time - Losing an hour can seriously suck my nuts. How stupid is this? I was just getting used to being able to actually see where my dogs pooped at 5:30 in the morning when suddenly it's dark again. Really? Great. I'll just continue to use the light on my phone to search the ground for that shit...literally.

-Mud - Guess where all that snow goes after the blizzard on the next unusually warm day? No where because the ground is mostly frozen still. So it sits on the surface in the dry grass and makes the world a giant soggy puddle. Sad face.

-Spring Fever - Spring means it is almost summer. Summer means I get to sit outside and read and get tan and do nothing for hours on end. Spring is the perfect time to daydream about doing such things because they aren't actually possible yet. Daydreaming means I sit and stare at nothing or draw on sticky notes until they cover my desk. Because this keeps me so impossibly busy for hours on end, it also means that I'm not doing anything even resembling responsibility. This also means that there is an increase in the number of students I see licking each other's faces in the hallway. It's like they've forgotten that they're still in public and people can see them. So gross.

So there you have it. My list of things that I don't like about spring. I know summer is just around the corner, and I should just hold on for a little bit longer until it gets here...but this sucks. Until it warms up enough for me to only wear one bra at a time out of fear of being accused of trying to give directions with my chest, I will continue to curse mother nature and also continue to dress like an Eskimo, but a cute homeless one...does that count?

Owlyote

Picture it: Well, there I am lying peacefully in bed reading, on my phone, at 11pm or some ridiculous hour when suddenly I'm wide awake. I turn my phone off (so I can hear better? Does that count as a reason?) and listen.

"Do you hear that?" I ask in a panicked whisper/shout (it's not easy to do, trust me).

"Hear what?" my half asleep husband mumbles.

"That owl. Or coyote. Or whatever that is howling out there..." Now I'm trying to open the shades to see outside.

"Um, no. Do you hear an owl?" Husband rolls over and asks. *wide eyed blank stare*

"Stop it. You know you hear it too."

"Yeah, sure I do..." *insert quizzical 'Should I call the funny farm?' look* Husband gives up and goes back to sleep.

I swear there was something howling outside my window last night. I couldn't tell if it was an owl or a coyote, because it kind of sounded like it was coming from the roof of the building next to us, but it also sounded like it was hiding behind a car in the parking lot, and either it was flying around like a spaz outside or it was on the ground playing with the acoustics (because I assume that's what they do with their free time), so location as an indicator was not helping. So I've decided that it is a new breed of hybrid animal. Enter: Owlyote. And if this wasn't bad enough, all it's little bird friends decided to put on a show at early this morning. Owlyote was the conductor of the chorus (the It's 4 F-ing AM Bird Chorus). Really, you have to see it to understand. So here it is:

I like that he has fur AND feathers on his body, and that his coyote arms (front legs?) are actually owl wings. The bird chorus looks happy enough, and it was actually dark outside but I didn't draw the sky. Sue me.